I saw an onling comment about a b-movie called Deathstalker. I assumed it was a horror flick. When I looked it up I discovered it was actually a sword and sorcery trilogy from the 1980s. I also discovered Amazon Prime had it available. If you suspect I watched it, I did. If you suspect it was bad, oh boy, you have no idea how bad.

Deathstalker, Stalker to his friends, is our protagonist. He’s tan, muscular, has the flowing blond locks that you could only have in 1982, and he carries a big sword and bigger bow. This bow is comical in its size and intricate design. Deathstalker is also, by far, the tallest guy in the movie with the execption of half-pig man.

Deathstalker is the reluctant hero that is has been “killing and stealing” to make his own way in life. A true Ayn Rand kind of man. Then a witch (Who is she? Why does he visit her straw hut? Why does he listen to her? Is she a liberal plant?) tells him he needs to reunite a magic sword with the magic amulet and magic chalice being held by the evil sorcerer king. By uniting them he will gain The Power. With it Deathstalker will… it doesn’t matter really.

The quest begins and along the way he picks up three companions. These companions are fellow warriors that are traveling to a tournament. The second one is the quintessential warrior woman. She fights in a hooded robe and boots andÖ not much else. It’s not just the men that are bare-chested in this cinematic classic.

Deathstalker and his companions arrive at the tournament. It is being held at the castle of the evil sorcerer king. The maniacal monarch has gathered all the greatest warriors in the land to… it doesn’t matter really.

The rest of the movie takes place at and around the castle. The evil sorcerer king is trying to have Deathstalker killed. All his attempts fail as Stalker or his companions slay all the would-be assassins. The evil sorcerer kingís plans to … it doesn’t matter really.

Through all these assassination attempts we see the castle is of the classical design with a central harem room. As all good harem rooms do this one is populated by many a comely lady dressed in the sheerest of robes. When I say central I mean every hallway, trap door and fall out of a 3rd story window leads to the harem room. It is not just central to the castle but also the movie. The central point being boobs! The awkward theatrical sword play, blood, and flying, dismembered body parts are all just window dressing for 1980s teenage boys when there was no internet pr0n.

File this to I watched it so you don’t have to.