Well now, I do admit that does look a mite uncomfortable, you laying there face down with a jackboot belonging to a man who refuses to identify himself pressed against your back. And I can see why you would fear for your life when a gun belonging to a man wearing military fatigues without any identifying characteristics is pointed at your head while you lay prone in the middle of the street.

I’m sorry, what was that? It’s hard to hear you what with the air being forced from your lungs by the weight of a man in full combat gear. Didn’t your mother ever tell you to speak up? Oh, I see, you want me to protect you with my gun from the literal example of tyranny that I am always railing against? How the tables have turned my friend! Where were you when the tyrannical State was forcing me to wear a mask so that I don’t accidentally kill another human being by my extreme carelessness? Plus, in this good anonymous man’s defense, you were drawing graffiti and breaking windows. He had no choice but to respond with tear gas and batons. And all the maimings cannot be blamed on them when you are the one that wrote bad words on a wall. Again, louder please. Speak from the diaphragm. The one being crushed. That’s better. It wasn’t you that wrote any of the graffiti? Perhaps, but then you started throwing fireworks at them and that’s dangerous for them! That wasn’t you either? But you have to admit that you were in the same general square mile as those people and are thus complicit! Anyway, this fine gentleman that is not telling you what he is arresting you for and will be shortly blindfolding you and putting you in an unmarked vehicle says you did do those things and who am I supposed to believe, the government who I have often railed against as being oppressive or you?

If I were to wear a face mask, which I wouldn’t because that’s definitely tyranny, my COVID germs deserve freedom to kill things that scare me as much as I do, I would wear the rattlesnake coiled to strike with the words “DONT TREAD ON ME” emblazoned underneath. Notice how it doesn’t say anything about treading on you. That I am ok with. If I’m being honest, I kind of wish I were this fine young gentleman slowly crushing the life out of you. It’s from your kind of tyranny that I have this gun to protect myself, not his. You have all of these Marxist ideas that are really scary to me. Given, I have no idea at all what Marxism is, but I’m hearing it thrown around a lot by people I listen to and they say it’s scary and so I’m scared. Antifa led Black Lives Matter people are trying to come to the suburbs and break into our homes and steal our stuff! Many of my suburban friends who would never even think of buying a gun to protect their stuff from these potential roving hoards are buying two even three guns! Given, this has never once happened in all of U.S. history. Except all the times white people did it. But that doesn’t mean it can’t happen! Black people are trying to have the same rights and privileges as white people and I think that only white people should have the rights to act out revenge fantasies against wrongs both perceived and real. Mostly perceived. You can’t call me racist like that! You scare me too and you’re very white!

Oh, you’re leaving? Well that’s rude. I thought we were having a constructive conversation here. I wouldn’t worry much for your safety. It’s not as if our police forces have a history of being a little bit over zealous in their treatment of people whom they perceive to have wished them harm. And these people are completely anonymous and refuse to tell you or your friends, who they are threatening to shoot, where you are being taken. So you’re like triply safe! It really is a great day to be an American!