Author Archives: Jean-Paul

I Dream Of Dentists

Don’t worry dentophobes, this is a dream that does not include dental work of any sort.  Unless you count paperwork.  Which is painful.

I mentioned to a few people over the weekend that I need to go see a dentist because I think I may have a cavity.  This would be my first.  The horrors!  So, of course, I have a dream about going to the dentist.  It starts with me needing to choose a dentist.  I do so by the very scientific method of walking down the street from dentist to dentist and choosing one.  The one that I finally decide upon is run by a Hispanic looking man with a bushy black mustache.  I chose it because I liked the waiting room which consisted of a long, narrow hallway with dark wood paneling.  On one side of the hallway were cheap plastic chairs and on the other side was one long counter like you would see in front of a receptionist’s window.  There was no receptionist’s window.

The dentist proclaims that I must fill out the paperwork before I can see him.  He then proceeds to pull out all of these clipboards and starts lining them up along the counter, gives me a pen, and then disappears.  I begin to fill out all of the paperwork, but there are a bunch of pages that make absolutely no sense so i leave them blank.  The dentist eventually comes back and asks me if I have any questions and I respond “No”, even though I clearly do.  He starts looking over the paperwork and, noticing some blank pages, asks why I haven’t filled them out and I respond that the questions don’t make any sense.  He retorts that it couldn’t be made any clearer what “You agree to pay a $2000 fine in the event you are ever accused of theft” means.  Yes, i agree, it is clear what it means, but why should I pay my dentist money if I’m accused of theft?  He responds that we can’t trust the police to do the job so we should all come together to develop a series of fines and self-police. I concur that the police have their problems, but this doesn’t seem to be an enforceable answer.  He then goes on this rant about how his hard earned money is being stolen from him by the government and his system will create a more perfect union and blah blah blah.  “Oh great, my dentist is a Libertarian”, I lament.

And then I wake up.

Book Review: Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov

Jean-Paul’s Rating: 4/5 stars

In the history of literature, you would be hard pressed to come up with a character who is more full of himself than Humbert Humbert.  This is a man who believes all his actions justified and all his reasoning flawless.  A man who finds everyone around him faulty except for one; his Dolores, his Dee, his Lolita.  The words he uses to describe Lolita and his actions with her and his thoughts about her are absolutely beautiful and flowery and flowing.  Coming from the right man, they are words that would make women melt and Humbert Humbert will readily tell you he is the right man.  And he’s right.  They are gorgeous words and they flow effortlessly and effusively from his tongue to his object, Lolita.  Then you remember that Lolita is a 12 year old girl and you get the heebie-jeebies.  Nabokov must be greatly commended for pulling off that feat.  This is not a puerile or erotic book despite its subject manner.  You won’t find lurid descriptions of two people rutting, but you will find incredibly imaginative ways of Humbert Humbert telling you that he has an erection or that he came in his pants.  Seriously, there were parts where I had to reread because I was like, “Did he just describe what I think he described?” and the answer was always yes.  it takes a while, but you get used to it.

This is not an easy book to read, not just for its subject matter, which is disturbing, but also for the depth of its prose and the breadth of knowledge of its author.  The allusions and references are so obscure and the use of the French language so frequent that I was left wondering if maybe the joke was on the reader and the whole purpose of those passages was to make them think that Humbert Humbert was a man of the world when in reality he was mostly talking out his ass and just making this stuff up.  This belief was solidified by the fact that not only did I have to look a record number of words up, but many of the words were not found in the dictionary provided by my Kindle.  The artists and poets and philosophers he references are, indeed, real though, and there’s nothing I can find that says much of Humbert Humbert’s words were BS so I have to assume that it’s my poor dictionary and my lack of vocabulary that are to blame.  Do not worry too much about this if you decide to pick up the book.  I would have liked to be able to fluently read the French in the book, but the rest of the dense passages have enough context around them to maintain comprehension despite the feeling of ignorance you may feel.

I have a theory.  Everything that happens in “Lolita” is all in Humbert Humbert’s mind.  From the introduction by a psychiatrist, to his “affair” with Lolita, to his eventual unwinding and jailing.  The only truth may be his remembrance of his childhood and possibly his predilection for nymphets.  His story is a little too perfect, a little too full of coincidences to be real.  “Lolita’ is his imaginings of what he would have liked his life to be.  The psychologist’s foreword represents his need to feel important.  Lolita represents his repressed childhood romances.  His manic search for justice, the longings of an impotent man to make his mark on the world.  No, Humbert Humbert is sitting in a psych ward somewhere getting the help he needs but will not accept.

Hitting That High F

The woman you are about to listen to is Diana Damaru and she has the most amazing voice.  But it’s not even just that in this piece.  She’s also incredibly emotive when she’s singing, which is apparently quite rare for opera.  As my friend who is really in to this sort of thing said, operas are known as “park and barks”.  Which is hilarious.  This clip is of her playing the Queen of the Night in Mozart’s The Magic Flute (Die Zauberflöte) opera.  The song is called Hell’s Vengeance Boils In M y Heart, but like everything angry, it sounds better in German: Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen.  Every single time I listen to this piece I giggle with glee when she hits that high F note.  In fact, I’m giggling just thinking about it.  How in the world does that come out of the mouth of a human being?  Enjoy.

Gravity 

You have gravity
And everyone around you
Longs to be in your orbit,
Feels that imperceptible tug
That draws them inexorably towards you.
Some feel it but for a moment,
That nascent pull calling to them
Before continuing on into the universe.
There were those that that were trapped,
Pulling them faster and faster,
Burning them brighter and brighter,
Until they disintegrate in your atmosphere,
Never to be seen again,
And yet others whose pieces explode on your surface
Leaving fragments that will remain forever.
There are those that dive deep into your well,
Feeling the fullness of your world,
Before slingshotting away into the void.
Then there's your solar system,
People describing perfect orbits around your being,
Drinking of your warmth and radiation,
And giving of the same in return.
Their orbits may differ,
But here they will stay
And no act of nature
Will take them away.
You have gravity.
All eyes turn to see you,
The fire in your eyes
And the bounce in your step.
You have gravity.
The melody of your voice,
All ears tune on in
To hear your sweet song.
You have gravity.
Your touch is a shock,
Jovian storms start to spin
and supernovae explode.
You have gravity.
Your smell pulls me in,
Ten seconds to contact
and all systems go.
You have gravity.
Your taste is delightful,
I am lost on your surface
And here I will stay.

 

Movie Review: Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2

Jean-Paul’s Rating: 5/5 stars

Bottom Line: Funnier, actionier, and Grootier than the first movie.

The Guardians of the Galaxy are back and they’re saving the universe once again with their acerbic wit, droll humor, and viciously funny put-downs.  That’s just how they roll and because of it, you would be hard pressed to find a better movie from a sheer entertainment value point of view.

The movie sets the tone quickly with Baby Groot dancing through the opening credits as the rest of the Guardians battle an inter-dimensional, power crystal hungry, fully tentacled blob of a monster.  The barbed comments and witty rejoinders don’t stop from that point forward.  Even in the midst of violent action, the movie often pauses to exact humor upon the  audience.  Anybody have some tape?

There is also a plot!  Well, there’s kind of a plot.  It’s more of an excuse to get the Guardians from one adventure to another, but it involves Star-lord finding his father.  Don’t get me wrong, is a fine plot, at least as far as movie action hero plots go, but you’ll be having too much fun watching the movie to much care about it.  You’ll be enjoying watching the Guardians make friends of enemies and enemies of friends and frenemies of just about everyone else.

i still have my usual complaints about the action sequences being a little too busy and hard to follow, but I think they did a better job at this one than the first movie.  I think a lot of this has to do with many of the scenes being taken literally as a video game.  It’ll make sense when you watch the movie.  Also, though, the action felt a bit slowed down, which I’m hoping is a trend instead of me just getting used to the fast paced, can’t follow anything type of action.

What an absolute delight of a movie!  Go out and see this film, you won’t be disappointed.  Volume 2 has every bit as much re-watchability as the first and I foresee a “Guardians of the Galaxy” marathon in my future.

The Day The Ocean Tried To Kill Me

I was recently recounting this story to a friend and I realized that I never mentioned it on my blog, so here it is.

This tale is subtitled “How My Friend Austin Tried to Kill Me”.  We were on Maui for the eponymous Austin’s wedding.  A week of sun, sand, surf, and celebration.  It was our last day and we all had a late flight so we decided to hit the beach one last time before departing.  It was simply gorgeous out.  80’s, nary a cloud in the sky, calm as calm can be.  Austin comes flipper-flopping in from a snorkeling excursion and says that he just saw a sea turtle out over by the giant outcropping of lava rocks nearby.  I, having never seen a sea turtle in its natural environs, decided that I needed to find said turtle.  I grab someone’s snorkel mask and head out sans swim fins because none were available and I’m a decent enough swimmer and my destination wasn’t terribly far out.

I’m out searching for maybe 10 minutes and still no sea turtle in sight.  At this point, I’m in this kind of natural alcove made by the surrounding lava rocks and probably 50 or so yards from shore.  I’m swimming along the surface, looking down in vain for the turtle when the water kind of slaps me on the head.  I find this strange so I bob up to see what’s what and get my bearings again.  Nothing seems amiss so I head right back to it.  No more than 30 seconds later and I get hit again so I bob back up and the wind is blowing in gales and the ocean is a frothy frenzy of blue and white and everyone is very quickly exiting the beach.  It’s definitely time to head back.  As I said, I was in this volcanic rock alcove so heading directly to shore wasn’t practical at this point so I decided to try swimming parallel to the shore a while up the beach where i was met by waves of water lolling over volcanic rock which was under water prior to the wind kicking up, but was now exposed to the air at regular intervals.  Attempting to get through there with the threat of being smashed on the rocks didn’t seem like the best of plans, so I attempted the same down the beach the other direction and was met with the same conditions.  At this point, with the water in a frenzy as it was, I was getting pretty tired so I bobbed there for a bit to weigh my options.  I remember thinking to myself that this is when people drown, but I’m not one to panic.  I wasn’t entirely sure how far out to sea I’d need to go to get past the volcanic rock so I decided my best bet was to swim further in to the alcove and climb out over the volcanic rock.  Luckily, the alcove provided some natural shelter so the water was fairly calm the further inside you went.  Unluckily, I was still surrounded by volcanic rock and the water was very shallow at this point.  Attempting to walk on the rock in bare feet was painful so I decided to swim as much as possible over the rock before having to walk the rest of the way.  Swimming through the shallows, my legs were getting scratched by the rocks and I was getting endlessly poked and prodded by sea urchins that had taken shelter there.  Finally, when I couldn’t swim any further, I raised myself up and began the slow and painful process of walking the rest of the way to shore over needle sharp lava rocks.  By the time I reached sand, my legs were a bloody mess and my feet were screaming in pain.  I doused my legs in sand to keep the worst of the bleeding in check and headed back to our room to lick my wounds.  And by lick my wounds, I mean pull shards of volcanic rock out of the bottom of my feet.  Rock shards would occasionally dislodge themselves from my feet for the next few months.  In fact, to this day, I’m pretty sure there’s still one left right underneath the callus on my left foot by my pinky toe.  A little souvenir to perpetually remind me of the day the ocean tried to kill me.

Full Moon

 

You are the full moon
On a clear winter's night.
Gleaming through bare branches
On a landscape that's white.

The snow sparkles and shines
As the trees sway and they dance.
A billion stars litter the ground
Of this bitter and cold wintry expanse.

You are the full moon
On a warm night in spring.
Revealing new life
And the changes it brings.

As around me I look
The whole world's all in bloom.
The colors muted in your light
The air scented with perfume.

You are the full moon
And the summer's now upon us.
I gaze in to the river
At my reflection like Adonis.

What is it I see here
A stranger stares back.
Your radiance revealing
All the things that I lack.

You are the full moon
Under fall's gentle luster.
I scream to the world
With all the energy I can muster.

Behold of this beauty
So high up in the sky.
It is there she belongs
For the world, not just I.

 

Movie Review: The Circle

Jean-Paul’s Rating: 1/5 stars

Bottom Line: What. The. Hell. Was. That.

“The Circle” has one thing and only one thing going for it.  There are some beautiful scenes of Emma Watson kayaking near the Golden Gate Bridge and various other natural landscapes.  Yet somehow, it even manages to ruin that.  This is a complete mess of a movie.

Let’s focus on the characters.  Or should I say programmable robots?  Because I’m not sure human beings were used in the filming of this movie.  Characters need motives and reasons for their actions while this movie has them completely changing personality from scene to scene with little to no explanation.  Mae (Emma Watson) goes from questioning the culture of the company to completely drinking the kool-aid for the company culture and does so after literally having a conversation with another questioner of the company, Ty (John Boyega), in which they mock the whole kool-aid drinking culture.  Mae got the job because of her best friend Annie (Karen Gillan) who starts as a workaholic high level exec and immediately changes to being Mae’s enemy and suffers a nervous breakdown and questions everything about the company.  Ty, who is supposed to be super brilliant, stands powerless as he watches all this stuff he rails against happen even though it’s within his power to change everything pretty much at any time, but he waits for Mae to have a change of conscious in order to do so.

There’s supposed to be a moral to this story, I’m sure, but I’ll be damned if I know what it is.  As best I can tell, the moral is “Technology is good…sometimes?” or perhaps “Privacy is good…sometimes?”.  To which I can only reply, “Thank you, Captain Obvious!”  And those question marks definitely belong because the movie leaves no clear answer.  About anything.  There is no depth to the story as it tries to beat you over the head with these morals through painful scene after painful scene.  You end up not giving a damn about any of the characters at all because of it, even Mae’s dad who has MS.

I can think of many things you would enjoy more than going to see “The Circle”.  Get that root canal that you’ve been putting off.  Spend some time with your racist uncle.  Take a tour of a wastewater treatment facility.  Read the entirety of Trumps Twitter account.  Whatever it is, you’ve made a better decision than my seeing “The Circle”.

Movie Review: The Lost City Of Z

Jean-Paul’s Rating: 3/5 stars

Bottom Line: A little too all over the place, but with some terrific scenes.  Plus, it’s a true-ish story.

“The Lost City  of Z” is one of those movies that I’m not sure translated well from the book to the screen.  Percy Fawcett (Charlie Hunnam) is an interesting character and his life is certainly worth reading about, but it was also very chaotic and jumps from continent to continent so much that scales of time and distance seem lost when on the screen.  The movie does a fairly decent job of managing this sprawling story, but I can’t help think it would have made a better mini-series than movie, especially when episodes like World War I seem kind of superfluous to the main story.

Percy Fawcett is a man of contradictions.  He is driven and dedicated, ambitious and more than a little arrogant.  He dedicated his life to finding a lost city in the Amazon and trying to convince the mighty British Empire that the native Amazonians are not the savages his peers claim them to be.  But his wife, oh, she belongs in the home barefoot and pregnant and tending to however many broodlings he manages to pump into her during his sparse visits home.  It is safe to say that Mr. Fawcett is slightly more enlightened than his contemporaries.  Baby steps.

There are some wonderful scenes in this movie, the best of which is when Fawcett is trying to convince the Royal Geographic Society to fund his trip to find his lost city.  It reminds you of just how weird the British Parliamentary system is.  Another is when his wife is trying to convince him to let her go back to South America with him next time.  But they are interspersed within a lot of views of traveling down a river or mini-National Geographic specials as they interact with native villages.  All of this adds to the uneven feel of the movie.

So is this movie worth watching?  Maybe?  I’d say as a movie for sheer entertainment, no.  But as a historical drama delving into the goings on and mores of early 20th century Great Britain, the movie has a lot to offer and it certainly piqued my interest in reading more about Percy Fawcett.

Movie Review: The Fate Of The Furious

Jean-Paul’s Rating: 2/5 stars

Bottom Line: Good action.  Crappy plot.  Vin Diesel should not be allowed to speak.

You know going in to any “The Fast and the Furious” movies that you’re in for a certain level of ridiculousness.  That level is high.  Very high.  If you accept that, you can usually have a lot of fun watching these movies.  Not even that acceptance could save this movie.

Before I get into the plot, let me start by saying, man, is Vin Diesel a bad actor.  He is only capable of saying three words with any sort of range or emotion and those words are “I am Groot!”  The man is the luckiest SOB in the world that this whole mythology was built around these movies with him in the lead role.  Fortuitously, the writers realized both what they had and how bad Vin Diesel was and developed a strong supporting cast of hardbodies to pick up his slack, including Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham.  And, in what must have been a ‘you’re going to pay me how much?” moment, Charlize Theron is also in this movie as the main villain,

I know, I know, making fun of the plot of a “Fast and Furious” movie is kind of like mocking the athletic ability of the kid that always gets picked last in gym class, but man, what a ripe target!  You may know that a lot of the premise for the series is based off of the “do anything for family” creed.  Well, throw that right out the window!  In this one, Dom (Vin Diesel) is blackmailed by Cypher (Charlize Theron) to turn against his family and steal an EMP device from his team, the execution of which causes Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) to be sent to jail.  Bye bye, family!  Dom, of course, keeps the reasons behind the blackmail secret from his family and plays the perfect villain because reasons!  Of course, he’s not really a villain and he hatches a hair-brained plot to make everything right and save the day at the last minute and everything is executed perfectly.

But you don’t want to hear about the plot!  You want to hear about the car chase scenes!  I’m happy to report that they are quite entertaining.  You have the necessary drag racing for ownership of a car that has a lot of “been there, done that” to it, but that’s more to satisfy a certain demographic of the audience than to add to the movie.  The best part by far is the final chase which has Dekard (Jason Statham) hand-to-hand fighting his way out of an airplane while carrying a baby.  Statham has some fine comedic chops.  Really, though, the entire final chase is terrific and an honorable mention should be paid to the scene where hundreds of cars are hacked and go careening through the streets of New York en masse.

Money making idea!  Take all of the “Fast and the Furious” movies string them together and remove everything except the car chase/action scenes.  I think I would pay for that.