Jean-Paul’s Rating: 2/5 stars

Bottom Line: A mess of a movie that relies too heavily on massively unlikely scenarios to tell a not terribly interesting story.

My brother and I went to see “Black and Blue” because there was nothing else showing. Neither of us had heard of the movie. He, having looked at the trailer before recommending we see it, said it’s either a poignant story about police misconduct in the Black community or a horror movie. It was neither, though I think it was attempting to be the former and any horror aspects were of the bad movie variety.

The movie takes place in New Orleans, a perfect setting for either a horror movie or a movie about police misconduct so it’s sad that this was neither. It follows rookie police officer Alicia West (Naomi Harris) who, in a series of events that would absolutely never happen in real life, witnesses the execution of two drug dealers by other police officers. Having been found out by said murderous police and having recorded the entire thing on her body camera, she flees for her life into a world where none of the police can be trusted and neither can the residents.

The rest of the movie is one extended chase scene with occasional bad dialogue with lots of heavy handedness about social issues. The action is pretty decent, though. The movie racks up an impossibly high body count, but the director uses the back alleys and close quarters slums to pretty good effect. it doesn’t quite make up for the movie’s massive failings, but it’s enough to give the movie two stars instead of one.

There is no reason to see “Black and Blue” unless you want to have something on in the background while you do mindless tasks around the house or at your job. It’s kind of perfect for that. Otherwise, see the HBO series “Treme” if you want to see a good show about the struggles in New Orleans.

Jean-Paul’s Rating: 3/5 stars

Bottom Line: Has zombies for mindless gore. Has Emma Stone for sarcasm. Has Jesse Eisenberg for neuroticism. Has Abigail Breslin for rebellious teenage drama. Has Woody Harrelson to tie them all together.

It’s ten years later and your favorite city-of-origin named heroes are back and they’re as fun as they ever were. “Zombieland: Double Tap” is a completely unnecessary movie that really adds nothing that the original “Zombieland” movie didn’t already have, but it’s still fun in a manner that is unique to movies and that makes it worth seeing. The plot revolves around Little Rock (Abagail Breslin) chafing at not having anyone around that is her age and Wichita (Emma Stone) chafing at her relationship with Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg). Since this is not one of those movies where the plot is at all meaningful to the enjoyment, think of it as a device for causing random adventures to happen and four actors to have fun together for an hour and forty minutes.

The zombie fighting quartet is joined by a fifth person this time around. That’s how you know it’s a sequel. Madison (Zoey Deutch), a blonde bimbo who has miraculously survived the zombie apocalypse all alone, attaches herself to the very willing Columbus after he loses Wichita. Let’s just say that Madison is in the movie for exactly the right amount of time before she gets too annoying. She’s a fun addition, but in a one-trick-pony sort of way and they don’t beat that pony till it’s dead.

It’s hard to tell anyone to go see this movie in the theater. It’s a fun little romp, but nothing you can’t get from the comfort of your own home while watching the original “Zombieland” again or for the first time. That said, it has been ten years and the movie is still fun on its own and there’s not really much else playing right now so why not? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go do some cardio.

Jean-Paul’s Rating: 4/5 stars

Bottom Line: Possibly the best origin story ever? Anti-elitist. Socially conscious.

A lot of serious movie critics are not a fan of “Joker” and I think I know why. The undercurrent of the movie is anti-elitist throughout and what is more elitist than getting paid a lot of money by major newspapers to write movie reviews? *looks in mirror* Yep, this checks out. Give me money major newspapers!

“Joker” is a subversive movie which, given the subversive times we live in, is probably why it’s hit such a chord with audiences. The movie portrays Arthur Fleck (Joaquin Phoenix) as a damaged man that society abandons to an uncaring world of elitists that mock and abuse him making the rise of The Joker inevitable. Why would someone care about a world that has done so much to denigrate and keep you down by actions both covert and overt? People treated like animals will become like animals. The movie doesn’t excuse The Joker’s violent actions, but it leads us on a Johnny Appleseed journey of planting the seeds that would bloom into apple trees of violent fruit.

Joaquin Phoenix lost a lot of weight to star in this movie and his emaciated body is hard to look at sometimes. His facial control is just remarkable and he really brings The Joker to life with his ticks and laughter. His precise body movements, too, add a lot to the movie. He takes the awkward and ungainly Arthur Fleck and slowly transforms him into the assured and coordinated Joker. It is a sight to behold.

There is a bit of an issue with convenient lost time that bothered me a bit after viewing. We know from the beginning that Arthur Fleck was institutionalized for something, but we never really quite learn what. This would be an unimportant detail except for the fact that much of the plot depends on Arthur Fleck also not knowing anything about the time that came before. This wouldn’t be a problem if the movie at all acknowledged it in some way, but leaving it hanging there left me feeling like an important part of Arthur Fleck’s journey was missing.

The way the movie ties into the greater Batman universe is pretty interesting in ways I can’t mention without spoiling things. It definitely gives the relationship with Joker and Bruce Wayne a twist and delves a little into how Wayne Enterprises may have gotten their shady dealings started, which is a popular theme in Batman lore.

I’m always excited when the DC universe does a DC comic justice given the dearth of good ones they produce. Though I don’t recall seeing a DC logo on the film, which may in part count for this one being good. It will be interesting to see if “Joker” holds up in ten years or if it is more of a product of its times. Regardless, it’s certainly worth watching it now and you should do so.

Jean-Paul’s Rating: 1/5 stars

Bottom Line: Like “Apocalypse Now” only massively more boring. But at least it has killer space monkeys? Also, spoilers galore because screw this movie!

The vast, unforgiving nothingness that is space is apparently full of ridiculous coincidences in this abysmally thought out movie. Roy McBride (Brad Pitt) plummets from space to Earth after the antenna he’s working on blows up in a “surge”, runs into space pirates on the moon, killer space monkeys on his way to Mars, another “surge” as his ship is landing on Mars, hijacks a ship bound for Neptune, runs past a satellite on the way to Neptune, and is somehow able to find a tiny ship orbiting Neptune in the middle of its rocky rings. This movie’s science is weak.

The so-called “surge” is coming from a Lima Project spaceship orbiting Neptune and McBride is tasked with stopping it and it’s captain, who happens to be McBride’s father, H. Clifford McBride(Tommy Lee Jones), before it somehow destroys the solar system. The Lima Project is a deep space mission to find extraterrestrial life by going to Neptune for some reason. The giant space antenna McBride is working on when it is destroyed is also dedicated to finding extraterrestrial life. There is a one sentence throw away line near the end of the movie that tries to draw a moral from this extraterrestrial search so you can’t say absolutely nothing came of this movie.

For reasons that are completely unclear or that I completely missed, the Lima Project space ship orbiting Neptune was thought lost because no one had heard from it in sixteen years. Then the surges start and the Lima Project is all “surprise muthaf@#!ers, I’m still alive!” and Earth is like “geez, what are you doing? Why are you trying to destroy us?” and the Lima Project gives it the silent treatment and the Earth is like “oh yeah, well we’re going to send this dude McBride to the moon so that he can go to Mars so that he can try communicating with you and if you don’t respond, he’s going to Neptune to blow you up! And this is totally a sequence of events that has to happen because we need this movie to be two hours!” and the Lima Project goes all “oh yeah, I’d like to see you try!”. It is later revealed that Earth somehow knew exactly what happened to the Lima Project all along and completely destroys any need for any of this movie. I mean why send a human to do what a nuclear missile can do just as easily?

If this film can be said to have any intent whatsoever, I’m sure it was supposed to be about the father-son relationship. For the entire movie, parallels are drawn between Roy and his father. There’s a nature vs. nurture lesson which definitely leans on nature as Roy and Clifford are shown to be the same person despite Roy not growing up with Clifford at all. Roy also internally struggles with whether the sins of the father should be visited upon the son as he continues to do the exact same stupid things his dad did. The most important and mindbogglingly stupid parallel drawn between the two isthat both kill their entire crew out of fear that the crew is going to jeopardize the mission. And when Roy gets back to Earth, he is greeted as a hero even though he, a member of the armed forces, hijacked an armed forces spaceship and killed its entire armed forces crew. And this wasn’t clandestinely done either. Because nothing can be done right in this movie.

I got much more enjoyment writing this review than I did watching “Ad Astra”. Is this what happens when a good idea for a movie gets away from you? Did some movie executive come in and say “Do you know what this movie needs? Killer space monkeys!”? Did George Clooney dare Brad Pitt to pitch this movie to see how crappy of a movie can be made on his name alone? The world may never know.

Jean-Paul’s rating: 3/5 stars

Bottom Line: Adults just aren’t as interesting as children. Especially when their tale is told as disjointedly as in this movie.

Chapter Two is finally here and you might want to see what I thought of Chapter 1 before you read further.

“It Chapter Two” starts 27 years after Chapter One with a hate crime against two gay adults, one of whom eventually gets killed by Pennywise. They are never talked about or referred to again. I believe this scene is supposed to establish the evils of small towns that Stephen King often encapsulates in his books and to let the audience know that Pennywise (Bill Skarsgård) can also feast on adults even though both dangers seems so far removed from the main characters for the rest of the movie. So begins a series of muddled messages that comprise and compromise most of the movie.

There are still plenty of hair raising scares and chills to be had in Chapter 2 and Bill Skarsgård once again proves that he may be the creepiest man on the face of this planet. Even the scares feel a bit disjointed at times, especially when Mike (Isaiah Mustafa) tasks the adults with going it solo to find their “tokens”. The tokens seem kind of random and maybe there are ties to the first movie that I don’t recall, but the frights the adults encounter often don’t seem tied to the tokens or to anything that was previously explained.

The chemistry between the adult characters is also sorely lacking compared to the chemistry of the kids. The only time where the adult chemistry rings true is when they all originally return to Derry and meet for dinner and drinks at a Chinese restaurant, which they then trash with little concern from the other patrons or owners of the restaurant. Then there’s the two love stories that go nowhere. One, is a lover’s triangle that the movie spends a decent amount of time on the three dancing around each other to no real result and the other is a barely hinted homosexual attraction which you would think would be played up a bit more given the beginning of the movie.

Despite being a massive disappointment considering how well done the first movie was, “It Chapter Two” still delivers where you’d expect it to deliver. I just wish there were some way to both do Stephen King justice and keep it to one three hour movie, or heck, even a six part streaming service spectacular. Still, the combination of the two movies did a pretty decent job of bringing a creeptacular book to the creeptacular screen.

Jean-Paul’s rating: 2/5 stars

Bottom Line: Starts out fairly effective. Ends up laughingly stupid.

The biggest question in my mind after watching this movie is: What is the shark horror movie equivalent of jumping the shark? Because this movie did it. Which is too bad, because up to that point, it was a fairly effective horror movie.

“Uncaged” takes place in the Yucatan where a bunch of teenage girls at an all-girls school decide to play hooky from a planned shark-watching tour and go to a remote swimming spot that one of the girls knows about. And apparently, there are no actual Mexicans living in the Yucatan because I don’t think this movie features a single one. Like not even in the background. Maybe this movie takes place in Donald Trump’s fever dreams where he’s conquered Mexico and caged them all. It certainly would explain a lot. Anyway, after a, thankfully, not terribly gratuitous T&A session of the teens frolicking in the water, they decide to take the scuba gear that is there and fits them perfectly even though it wasn’t meant for them and explore the Mayan underground burial city that has since been flooded with water. And there are blind Great White sharks there. The end.

Ok, not quite the end. There is actually some really good film making in the forward sections of this movie. I mean, of course, you have to accept that these giant sharks can swim around in all these caves that the scuba divers often have trouble navigating, but still. The camera makes great use of the claustrophobia of being underwater in caves and very effectively uses light and dark and silt and rocks to scare the bejeezus out of you as these impossibly large creatures pick the protagonists off morsel by tasty morsel.

John Corbett is in this film. I do not know why. But he very effectively gets Samuel L. Jacksoned out of this film (see “Deep Blue Sea”) and you should really stop watching it at that point. From then on, it’s a film of nonsense and incredulity as the remaining survivors are subjected to a series of sharks crashing into things just as they escape and magic currents that consistently push you down to the abyss below and getting chomped by sharks but somehow surviving. I will say, though, that whoever thought up the whole starting with hooky from a shark-watching tour and finishing up with the girls being ejected into the ocean right where the shark-watching tour boat was chumming the waters is a genius and should be our next President.