Category Archives: Humor

It’s The Most Horrible Time Of The Year 

It's the most horrible time of the year
With shoppers all yelling
You'll all hear me telling you "Get me a beer!"
It's the most horrible time of the year
It's the crap- crappiest season of all
The daytime is fleeting and why is it sleeting?
I feel I might bawl
It's the crap- crappiest season of all

This fake cheer's exhausting
These presents are costing me
Mountains and mountains of dough
And look, yet more stories
of sad Christian worries
That Christmas will soon be no mo'

It's the most horrible time of the year
The carols are blaring
My tolerance wearing
Insanity's near
It's the most horrible time of the year
This fake cheer's exhausting
These presents are costing me
Mountains and mountains of dough
And look, yet more stories
of sad Christian worries
That Christmas will soon be no mo'

It's the most horrible time of the year
The carols are blaring
My tolerance wearing
Insanity's near
It's the most horrible time
It's the most horrible time
It's the most horrible time of the year

Chris Farley Died Too Soon

If I were inclined to waste my life even more than I already do, I would have totally made this mashup:

[youtube http://youtu.be/RUY6lDja-DE]

Compare and contrast:

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGEOolwE03M]

It is funny.  But it’s also sad.  We’ve seen Rob Ford’s story before and his ending is likely the same as Chris Farley’s if he doesn’t get any help soon.

Some Great Movember Mocking

I was sent this video a week or so ago and loved it and promptly forgot about it.  A conversation about Movember and how silly it is reminded me.  I present to you, for your viewing pleasure, Decembeaver!

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fp3Bns-bCv4&feature=youtube_gdata_player]

A Fool And His Money Are Soon Parted

Anybody who has participated in the stock market for a reasonable amount of time has made a trade that they kick themselves over.  You buy a stock only to see its value plummet soon after or you sell a stock just before it skyrockets.  Both have certainly happened to me before.  Do you know what hasn’t happened to me before, though?  Buying the wrong stock.

Twitter, a company who has made absolutely no money yet, recently filed for an initial public offering (IPO) of stock.  The IPO will not likely happen until Thanksgiving.  That fact did not stop many an intrepid investor from trying to buy the stock immediately.  So off to their computers they went with visions of dollar signs dancing in their heads.  And what do you buy when the company you want to buy doesn’t exist?  Well, Tweeter, of course!

What is Tweeter, you ask?  Tweeter is a company that no longer exists.  It was a higher end audio/visual component sales store that went bankrupt in 2007.  Investors, poured money into the bankrupt stock raising its value over 1400%.  14.4 million shares were traded one day on a stock that normally has under 30,000 shares traded a day.

Those all sound like big numbers, but we’re talking about a stock that was trading at a penny at the start of this.  My guess is only a million dollars or so actually traded hands.  Too bad we can’t see how many people were actually involved in this flub.  My gut tells me that it was just a handful of people.  It was enough for the Security and Exchange Commission to change the ticker symbol of the stock though.

Google Voice Is Hilarious

Those of you who use Google Voice for your voicemail system know that much hilarity can ensue when comparing the voice message to the Google voice-to-text message.  I have never seen one quite as bad as this though.  A colleague from work called me last night while I was on the phone trying to resolve a work problem so I missed the call.  This colleague is of Indian descent and has a medium Indian accent.  His accent takes some getting used to, but it is perfectly intelligible.  Unless you’re Google Voice apparently.  Check out this verbal vomit and see if you can guess what the message is about:

Bye. Hey J. P Agreement that I love you. I do see that you’re okay. I just received a call. I think it Love You do need a job names. Although I’m not very much. I was not showing up, but I thought he said something about. I haven’t had a lot. So, I think maybe we could not get the file from the clean the icon, system messages 5 so I don’t know the I don’t know what the contact is bad and stuff like that. Daniel Pick a quick look at it and let me know if you need anything else but we did lower work and I think I’m going back home from work right now. I should be at all, and of FedEx played he put it on the small. I just. I don’t have the train so if you could use. I don’t hear back from you, but I’m not as I have a lot and then see what I can book work alright. Thanks. Bye.

 

Math Comedy Gold

No, really!  You need to read this.  What happens when five math experts try to split a check?  I think my favorite part is this:

Economist: I mean it! If there were no taxes, I would have ordered a second soda. But instead, the government intervened, and by increasing transaction costs, prevented an exchange that would have benefited both me and the restaurant.

Engineer: You did order a second soda.

Economist: In practice, yes. But my argument still holds in theory.

*snort*

You Should Give Them All Your Monies!

Person I would like in my neighborhood, Phil Plait of Bad Astronomy fame and Zack Weinersmith of Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal fame have teamed up to help you make stupid people look even stupider.  Behold, 2^7 Nerd Disses!  Best of all, you choose the price!  They suggest $1.  I suggest more.  I paid $5.  Both men have certainly entertained and informed me much more than $5 worth.  And if they’re not entertaining and informing you, I will have no choice but to use an insult on you.  A sample:

You’re so scientifically illiterate… You think absolute zero is diet vodka.

So go buy the book or I will insult you a second time!

It’s About Time, Jesus, It’s About Time

Jesus has left the GOP:

After a long pause, Jesus added: “So, from here on out, anybody who says they’re speaking for me, or that they know I’d agree with them, is a fucking liar.”

OMG! Todd Akin Was Right!

Trigger warning:  Sarcastic mocking of Republicans and their views on rape ahead.  Also, really bad humor.

While writing my previous post about shutting that whole thing down while dreaming, I got into a bit of a link clicking vortex.  What I found will astound you.

Almost everybody is aware of Todd Akin’s views of rape:

From what I understand from doctors, [pregnancy from rape] is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.

Poor Todd just got a little confused.  This is just the new Fundamentalist Christian rape test for determining if a woman is a witch.  Because, guess what animal does have a way of shutting that whole thing down during a rape?  Pigs?  No.  Lemmings?  No.  Really small otters?  No.   A duck!  Exactly!  And so logically, if you rape a woman and she doesn’t become pregnant…

Then she’s a witch!  BURN HER!

Machine Gun Jetpack

XKCD’s What-if answers the tough science questions.  Questions like, “Is it possible to build a jetpack using downward firing machine guns?”